Posted in Catholicism, Dating, Lessons Learned

My Broken Road Part II: How I “know”

street

John’s first message to me says “I’m a bold man.” This, coupled with the fact that he has Catholic values and beliefs, intrigues me. My first meeting with him is at a restaurant that serves “diner food with a twist.” The first thing I notice about him is that he is a quick thinker and keeps me on my toes. We have a great conversation and I feel both interested and wondering if I can keep pace with him. He invites me for coffee after, which I take as a sign things are going well. And then, on our way to our cars, I say something like, “Oh, yeah, we must have parked in the same area. I’m down this way too.” And then, as we get to the end of the block, John finds his car and I realize that either A) my car was stolen, or B) I totally forgot where I parked. “Yeah, I’ll be in touch,” John says, in a tone which I assume means, “Wow, you can’t remember where you parked? How is that possible?! Goodbye.”

The next week, I receive an email from him about having a picnic in his living room. I am won over by the uniqueness of the plan, although my roommates caution me not to go to a guy’s home who I have only met once. I don’t listen to them 😦

John answers the door and seems – much more relaxed to be in his home. He has two friendly whippet dogs who greet me at the door. We sit out on his front porch, front porcheating crackers and cheese, sipping wine. Minutes into our conversation, John encourages me to go across the street with him to meet his new neighbors. We spend hours showing each other YouTube music videos and talking about our favorite music. I feel very comfortable and at ease and lose track of time.

At the end of the evening, he very simply says, “I really like you, and I want to see you again. So, um, what are you doing tomorrow?” He confesses that he doesn’t really know how to go about dating, but I am secretly very happy that he is so direct (and committal) about his interest, after so many previous experiences of unclear communication.

Going home that night, I feel a sudden lack of energy about going on dates with other guys, because I am now more interested in dating John and seeing where things go. I am not ready to admit this to anyone else, though.

Ω

marriage1

“Did you have a sense that God had led you two together?” was a question I would habitually ask my engaged friends. And they always said, yes. Often they said things like, “God told me I was going to marry him.” Sometimes, the circumstances had been so unusual, serendipitous, or perfectly timed, and that was how they knew. “You’ll just know,” almost everyone said. “But how did you know?” I asked, like many people before me, looking for some kind of data, quantitative or qualitative, with which to measure.

Because these were questions that perplexed me, and because those answers felt so vague, I want to be really honest about how I “just know.”

don’t “just know.” I don’t have a deep feeling in my gut that John is “The One.” At least, not the way I thought it was going to be, like a deep primal recognition that my soul had met its mate.

But… our relationship feels different in some key ways:

  1. There’s an absence of anxiety in my stomach: peaceJohn and I talked about this once, laughingly. With every guy I’ve ever dated, I felt a nearly constant internal stress – stress about whether it was “right,” stress about if my friends liked him, stress about whether he or I would do the right things. There would be key moments in relationships where a sense of “weirdness” crept up in my gut. Once I was looking at wedding dress patterns with the guy I was dating, and then I had a strange feeling of, “This isn’t right.” With another guy I dated, I just couldn’t imagine a house where both of our possessions were lying side by side. I needed a lot of reassurance from friends about whether they liked us as a couple, etc. What feels different now is the lack of second-guessing, and the overall peace that has been a part of my relationship with John. Now, this might just be that I’m older, know myself and trust myself more. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that John share basic values and faith in common, so I don’t worry about whether we’re truly on the same page. I think it also has to do with John’s very upfront, honest nature, and the comfort I feel communicating with him about almost everything.
  2. The door is open. In other relationships, I found that my will often came up against circumstances. At the end of college, my college boyfriend wanted to get marriedopen door, but I was in turmoil about the fact that my mom disapproved of our relationship, and that I didn’t have a strong sense of what I wanted. I didn’t have enough internal peace to move forward. In my late 20s, I’d been dating a guy for nearly two years, but he became increasingly hesitant to talk about marriage, so in that case, too, the door wasn’t “open” to that possibility. With John, the door to marriage is “open”
    in the sense that 1. he proposed, 2. nothing, either internally or externally, is keeping me from saying yes. I’ve never experienced the door being truly open before, so the rareness of this state gives me a sense of peace in going forward.
  3. It works! Relationships in my past felt like they were constantly in need of a “fix-it-shop.” They’d run smoothly for a while, and then something would break down. We’d sort of fix it or patch it, but it would break down again. John is the first person I’ve dated wToast Slices Of Toast Toaster Eat White Bread Foodhere we’ve worked through things in a way that doesn’t disrupt the flow of our relationship. It’s not perfect, and it’s not bliss every day. But a disagreement or difference in opinion can usually be resolved in a few conversations, rather than needing to “take breaks” to re-evaluate.
  4. I feel comfortable with the fact that marriage is a choice. Christian communities often work hard to discount the idea of “happily ever after,” “fate” and “The One,” but sometimes they perpetuate a somewhat equally damaging view of “God’s Will:” i.e. don’t make a move until you know it’s GOD’S WILL. If God tells you he’s going to be your husband, that makes it all really clear and indisputable. But in my experience watching many Catholic friends, all very faithful, some friends experienced clear certainty when discerning a call to marriage. Many, like me, had to sift through questions, doubts, uncertainties.prayer Meanwhile, we wondered if, because we hadn’t “heard a voice,” and because it wasn’t revealed in a sign, it was God’s will. My best friend felt uncertain about her future husband, and the rightness of marrying him, until a friend encouraged her just to choose to love him for a while without trying so hard to “figure it out.”. This choice proved to be the essential ingredient that led her to peace in saying yes, when he proposed. There are good choices in spouses, and there are bad choices, of course, and keeping your eyes open is really important. But realizing (and giving myself permission) to make this choice, with this man, knowing that it was entirely possible that I could have chosen other people or life paths, has given me a lot of freedom and actually made it easier to trust God. I used to think God had a perfect plan and that it was up to me to “figure it out” or else. Now, I trust that God trusts me, and that if I ask for help, he will guide me, and that there are a variety of circumstances and choices with which he can work and create something beautiful, and this keeps me from being paralyzed in indecision.

Mercy, Mercy (and me)

When Pope Francis declared this the “Year of Mercy,” I struggled. I was like a barnacle trying to latch onto a whale with customary enthusiasm, but not knowing how. What is mercy, exactly, and how does it differ from kindness, forgiveness, and other similar words? How do I go about “being merciful?” Don’t you have to be God to show mercy?

The best help I could find was thinking about the corporal works of mercy – all the practical ways to do good. They are these:

works of mercy

And that helped, a bit. Unfortunately, my goal of focusing on mercy in an intentional way sort of drifted into the uncomfortable mush heaps of New Years’ resolutions and things to do “when life slows down.” But the tenacious belief in life slowing down is like the adult version of believing in the Great Pumpkin. Our faith in it endures despite marvelous lack of proof.

But something prompted me recently to consider what it was like to experience God’s mercy for the first time, and that maybe if I were to remember what that was like, this idea of living mercifully might be easier to understand.

My dad, a general surgeon by profession, was diagnosed with emphysema in 1991 or so, and told that if he continued to smoke as heavily as he did, he wouldn’t have more than a few years left to live. He quit cold turkey the next day. Soon, our house was buzzing with my dad’s plans to reignite the custom harvesting company that his dad had once operated, and which he had worked on with his brothers in their early twenties. My dad had fond memories of traveling south through the grain belt with his dad, and evidently thought that one of the greatest gifts he could impart to his own kids was this same experience. Dad.jpg

Our yard quickly filled up with grain trucks, combines, service trucks, and we learned about reels, hoppers, grain moisture levels, etc. My uncles joined the endeavor, and my dad hired several boys from his hometown to form a crew. The plan was to contract with local farmers in Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, and South Dakota, harvesting their wheat and moving steadily north throughout the summers.

“The guys,” as our family called them, were housed in a motor home and trailer, which would be parked at our home during the off seasons.

The camper trailer was a great place for a kid to explore, full of loose change, pens, magical trinkets, and sometimes candy bars. It was a convenient place to be alone, and in a large family, this was often a must. That’s where I went one day of my 12th year, and after exploring thoroughly, stumbled onto some pornography.dark doorway

At the time, I had no idea what it was called, or where it came from. I only knew that the words and images fascinated me, that I wanted to look at them, and at the same time was conscious that no one should know. I stowed the magazines away somewhere no one else would find them.

This was the beginning of what I later began to sense was an addiction. I had become addicted to pornographic material, and in a short time felt that I had a sort of “hidden life,” a double self, and that no one knew who I really was. And if they did… there was a certain sense that I would be considered base, strange, un-loveable. Along with the excitement of it came a sense of self-loathing and a constant “I’ll never do it again” feeling, accompanied by the revulsion of having done it, once again. I felt that I was alone in it, and wished often that I could be like other kids seemed to me – innocent in a way that I wasn’t.

I remembered seeking consolation in books about adolescence that my parents had, doctors insisting sexual curiosity and experimentation wasn’t wrong – was normal and natural, even. Reading this made me feel better for short periods of time, but a gnawing sense of unease wouldn’t go away.

I had never known what masturbation was – no one had ever (apart from these books) explained it to me, or about pornography. Where did this sense of guilt come from?  I tried to rid myself of it, but it remained.

Within the next four years’ time, my dad died, and my parish priest invited me to join a youth group for our diocese. I felt surprised, but delighted that he would consider me a good candidate.

Being in this youth group meant planning youth events, and involved meeting for one weekend each month, in a town somewhere in our diocese. At first, the kids in this group struck me as weird (they hugged everyone! They prayed! They were actually interested in their faith!) But soon I felt a strange attraction to this foreign lifestyle. I found my new friendships to be stronger and deeper. We talked about things beyond our classes, our teachers, and school-yard gossip. We talked about Jesus, and who we wanted to be, and what things were important.

The more time went by, I began to feel a discomforting sense of living two different lives. On these weekends, I was prayerful, thoughtful, kind, and generous. Back home, I would revert to being grumpy and moody to my siblings, gossipy with my classmates, and of course, struggling with this pornography addiction.

Our youth group meetings inevitably involved (boringly, I thought) daily Mass, Confession, and Bible study time. At Confession, I shared the “safe” sins and questions with the priest, but never, ever those related to pornography. This was something I didn’t want anyone to know about, especially not a priest.

I remember a particular ride home with a friend, in which masturbation came up in the discussion. She casually mentioned it as a mortal sin.

“It is?” I said. “Are you sure?” I felt squeamish as she told me that knowingly withholding a sin in Confession is also a sin. I still remember how I struggled with this new discomfort, this sense of feeling “caught” by God. I tried to laugh it off, tried to inwardly justify. But I couldn’t ignore the uneasiness I felt.

The Dream

Not long after that, I had a 3467764700_82285da5df_odream. In the dream, I was standing in a gymnasium. After a while, I grew aware that there were thousands of people in the gym, and that the people here were from all areas of the world. Everyone was talking, in all different languages.

Suddenly, someone said, “Look! Jesus is coming to give a press conference!”

I turned, and in the center of the gym was Jesus, white-robed. I remember one thing that seemed strange in my dream: Jesus spoke, but never opened his mouth. Everyone clearly heard and understood him, but not with our ears. He said,

“The Apocalypse is fast approaching. The end of the world is drawing near.”

That was all. But panic erupted in the room. I watched as people approached him, asking what would become of their sister, their aunt, their families, their villages, their homes? Everyone had questions for Jesus.

crowd crop

‘There are too many people in this room,’ I thought. ‘All he sees is a crowd. He couldn’t possibly know who is here. He doesn’t know I’m here.’ I felt so small, unnoticed, and hidden. But I had an urge to ask him a question, too, telling myself he wouldn’t hear it, but that I would at least try. So, I whispered, “Jesus, do you love me?”

And in the dream, it was as though all the people, and the noise, and the needs, totally disappeared. Jesus turned and faced me, and he was glowing, with what seemed like light, but I recognized that the glow was not light – it was love.

Jesus glowing

The love radiated out from him to me, and later, I tried to remember it in a way I could understand. What I remember is a sense of being loved as a man loves a woman, and as a father loves a daughter, and as a son loves a mother, and a brother loves a sister, and every type of love you might experience in life, but all from Jesus. And even describing it in these many ways, there was so much more than that, that there are no words I can think of that can explain. I felt completely enveloped, covered and transformed by this love.

And that’s when I woke up.

 

A Life-Changing Confession

Confession

The dream was on my mind weeks later, when we had our next meeting. Confession came around, and I went, eager to ask the priest about Jesus’ words. “Do you think the world is going to end soon?” I asked him.

“I don’t think that was the part of the dream that Jesus wanted you to focus on,” said the priest. “I think he was trying to tell you that he loves you.”

His words were like a dam being broken over my heart, and I started weeping. He handed me some Kleenex, explaining that that’s what they were for.

“And,” he said, “I’m not sure, but I sense there might be a sin that you haven’t brought to confession yet,” the priest said.

With this invitation, I poured out everything – everything that I had kept hidden for so long, sobbing the whole way. The priest told me, over and over again, that I was good, that I was loved, and that I was beautiful. He prayed over me, and gave me absolution.

I left the confessional, feeling as though flying were possible. graceThere was a weight that had been sitting on me for so long, and it was like being without it left me lighter than air. I experienced a tremendous joy, and desire to laugh out loud at everything. I wanted everyone to receive the joy and peace that I had just received. It was an overflowing of goodness.

 

 

I have never forgotten what happened that night. It changed me forever, and set the course of my life in an entirely new direction. It gave a meaning and purpose to my life that I had not had before. This is not to say, that everything was happily ever after! I was still me. There was a lot of work to be done – primarily in learning how to love my family better, how to care for my friends and others better. But the chains of my addiction to pornography, thank goodness, had been broken.

But the combination – what I experienced in the dream, and what I experienced in Confession, showed me a glimpse of God’s love that left me certain that if each person only had a chance to receive it, everything – homes, cities, countries, the world – would be healed and made whole.

What does mercy mean?

All of this happened 17 years ago, now. With the time that has gone by, some of that zeal that I first had, has become quieter, more practical. Faith isn’t always feelings, I learned, slowly and often painfully. The feeling, and the sense, of God’s mercy, is something I can remember receiving, but it’s not a gift He gives me every day, or even every month, or even every year. Often, it has seemed that the commitment to faith is like what I imagine marriage must be – ignited first by enough strong feelings and conviction to make a vow, and then bolstered by daily practice, sacrifice, and commitment. You can only learn by living it, over time, that sometimes love is accompanied by feelings, and sometimes love is willed, independent of the feelings that make it convenient.Holy Spirit.jpg

So, I look back on the memory of my first receiving God’s mercy, and I glean from it truths that I can apply today. Here is how I understand God’s mercy:

Mercy is knowing that you are known fully, the good and the bad, and that you are loved exactly as you are, and where you are.

Mercy is the generosity of God taking you over, regardless of your limitations, imperfections, and sins.

Mercy is an invitation from God to join His team.

Mercy is that God believes better things of you and for you, than you do for yourself.

Mercy is never a denial of evil or sin where it exists. It isn’t saying, “Oh, that’s not so bad,” or, “Oh, that wasn’t really wrong.” It is only when we know and name our evil as it is that we can be transformed by God’s grace.

How do I show mercy to the world?

I don’t really know. I’m still figuring this out.

I know that, that day in the Confessional, I needed to know that I could be known, really known, and still loved. And coming out of Confession, I was conscious that everyone in the world needs this, too.

kindness

Sometimes when I remember that we were all born into this world without really knowing what we’re doing, and that we’re all trying to figure it out, and learning as we go, and that we’ve been led and taught by others who also were born into the world without knowing what they’re doing… recognizing this helps me to see people with more love. It helps me not excuse wrongdoing, but understand it.

Over the years, I’ve learned that some people need to hear it the way I did. Other people are different, and they need that love and mercy to be shown to them in a different way. Sometimes, it means giving my full listening ear to the student who is acting out in crazy ways. It means saying, “Hey, I notice something seems hard today. Do you want to talk about it?” Sometimes it means noticing the person at the party that is getting overlooked. Sometimes it means being a little more patient with the person in front of me who is driving too slowly. Sometimes it means not opening my mouth, not making the moment about me.listening.jpg

Sometimes (this one is harder for me) mercy isn’t the nice, easygoing way. Sometimes mercy is saying to your kid, “One piece of candy is enough,” when they want to grab a handful, and will burst into loud, angry tears in the grocery store, while everyone questions your parenting. Sometimes mercy is letting someone know that they are hurting someone. Sometimes mercy is being honest, rather than making someone feel better through a lie. And sometimes, mercy is setting a clear boundary, not allowing someone to make you a doormat.

I do know that the corporal and spiritual works of mercy are good guidelines to follow, especially when you’re in a time when you’re not really “feeling the mercy.” Whether you’re in a good mood or a bad mood, you can always give someone something to drink. You can still pray for someone who really makes you mad. An act of kindness is an act of kindness, whether the feelings are there or not.

But the tough thing I am finding, is that mercy takes discernment. It’s not always clear whether to give someone your “cloak as well as your tunic” is the best course of action, or whether setting a clear boundary is. To be merciful, we need to keep the lines of prayer open, and regular.

Mercy can feel really good to receive, and it can feel painful, and it can feel aggravating, and it can feel enraging. It feels good when you are in a place where you know you are weak, and you know you need love, and you are ready to receive it. It can feel painful when you know someone is sacrificing for you, but you are conscious that you have only been thinking selfishly. It can feel aggravating when someone you are really annoyed by is suddenly kind and forgiving toward you. It can even feel like hatred, (like in cases where a parent asks a child to eat a healthy snack rather than fun junk food).

However it feels to the recipient, mercy is something from which world will always benefit. I hope we can all grow in the rest of this year, in receiving God’s mercy, and in letting God’s mercy radiate outward to all those in our path.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Line at the Confessional

The walls are lit w455557484_76ac142ac0_zith a hovering glow, intimate, flickering – what I associate with holy. I walk into the chapel, and register a line of people, waiting, walking the slow dance to confess their sins in the tiny room, a little light signaling that it is time to approach.

My heart feels like teeth after an afternoon of sugary treats and soda – plaqued, crudded, sodden with sin – in need of a cleaning. I feel the familiar need to go, to say it all to the priest, to hear the words of absolution, to feel in the heat of his hands that unmistakable murmuring hum of grace enter through my forehead. To experience myself known fully and loved fully.

 

Confession starts at 11:30, and it lasts until 12:00. 30 minutes and so many people in this line. I calculate. If each person goes in for 3 minutes – can we all make it? No. How about 2? Possibly. I feel the urgency of each minute. Among this line, will I get a chance? I become aware of the hollow and silent, unmentioned chasm between the ‘ought to’ part of me, and what I know as the real me. I ought to care about all of these people, all of these souls, and to hope that we all make it in and out, like little cars at the car wash, and leave sparkling, shining inwardly with flames relit, the joy beaming through our eyes. Really, I just hope this line is not so long that I don’t get my own chance. A selfish truth. Something more to confess.

I pray a Hail Mary like an untrained puppy, aware of its smallness, its ugliness, its predictable predilection for failure. I feel the prayers of Mary cover me and advocate for me, the small one, longing for the goodness and beauty and truth and being just a little dusty terrier on the heels of grace.

The confession line moves – not slowly and intermittently, like some, but somewhat like a line to a bathroom, I think, and realize that in some strange part of my brain, I’ve connected the relief of confession somewhat with the need and relief of the toilet. This is not anything I would ever tell anyone.

An old woman enters, carrying coats, places them in a pew, and takes her place ahead of me several places, between a mother and her sons. I feel a flash of indignation for those of us who have been waiting in line all this time – what made her think she could cut ahead? I am like the prodigal son’s brother, like the man who worked all day for the same wage as the one who started an hour ago. She must be the mother’s mother. I quiet myself, I accept it. This is good for me.

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4655242534_a6125f7d83_mThe mother has honest eyes, open, like small pools of water. Her sons look to be 14, 12, 10, and I see, nestled underneath the oldest brother, a young girl about 7. The boy’s eyes are all reiterations of the mother’s. They stand in line, whispering to each other, jostling, fidgeting. The whispering is constant, but it flares and peaks at times, and then quiets.

I meet the mother’s eyes, not intending to smile, wanting only to look, and yet I see in her eyes the desire for a smile, and so I do. I think, “So many kids!” thinking of wanting to be further along in the line, and on my way out. I realize that I should be inwardly thanking this woman for her openness to life, and so I decide to be grateful instead of impatient. The oldest boy shushes the younger ones, and the second oldest barely conceals a defiant glare. Everyone inches forward.

People keep entering – elderly men in their seventies, mothers and children, businessmen from the office. From the doors, they see half the line, and prepare to step in it. And, over and over, like a repeating punchline, each person comes to recognize, with a disappointed half-slump, that the line is very long – twenty people now, maybe even twenty-four. We’re all here on our lunch breaks; we’re all playing the lottery of the confessional, betting on time being enough to hold us all.

People stare ahead silently. The man after me askes, “Is there only one priest?” “Yes,” I reply. He seems to want to continue the conversation, so I stare ahead of me at an invisible object, hoping to convey an attitude of deep prayer and reflection.

The statues are covered thoroughly in purple. It all begins tomorrow – Holy Thursday Mass, and the washing of the feet. I remind myself that Peter was still falling, even then, and he lived with Jesus personally for three years, so it’s natural that I am still a sinner too. The line moves fast enough that I know the priest will just hear me say my piece and absolve, which is comforting, in the same way that it was comforting to hear my piano teacher just say, “Okay,” when I told her I had not practiced much, rather than receiving the long lecture too. To say the same laundry list each time is humbling. And sometimes, I even wish that my sins might be more creative, or might at least show greater strides forward.

I can feel the synchronicity of a different time – and Galileans, just very much like these Minnesotans, cloaked in their politeness, and their ideas of what they should be and their sense of what holiness looks like, inwardly calculating their turn, their place, their thoughts still so mercenary, ordinary, self-seeking. So many bodies moving and straining and yearning to meet Jesus, to see in his eyes His perfect knowledge and His love, a love that covers and transforms our dirty sloppiness, our dingy rags.

I see a crowd that, in its collective inner desire, pushes against each other, makes petty rules and arguments. I see a woman who loves her ailing mother and so pushes her closer to Jesus, unaware of the man who needs a cure who has not gotten pushed further away. We know He heals and that we need His healing. We can’t afford not to be healed. And so we push.

We see with human eyes a man who must choose some and not all, because there are so many – so many bodies, so many souls here. We see a man who has only two eyes, two ears, two feet. We cannot but believe there are limits, as we ourselves are limited, despite the limitlessness we see deep in His gaze, as it turns to us.

And so we push. We pretend not to – but we push, with our minds, with our hearts. We shout out prayers, we repeat them, babbling, feeling so small, so unheard, so forgettable. We hear out own selfish thoughts and attempt to hide them like a hole in our clothing, conscious of what makes us unlovable, unbeautiful, impure. We hide behind beatific smiles, wanting the smile to be only the manifestation of what is truly in our hearts. But we, who see our hearts from within, recognize our fakery. To own it is best.

I am now next in line – suddenly, it feels not too long, but too short. The woman ahead of me will soon be out. And I’ve forgotten everything. I’ve forgotten what I’ve done. I’ve forgotten what to say. I have only a moment to say it, and now I can’t remember. The light blinks on, I go in. The words come out, somehow. The walls reverberate with patience and with love. The priest receives my words, not a flicker of reaction in his face. His hands are interwoven with the beads of a rosary. My mind thinks, “farmer’s hands,” – see how the farmer waits for the autumn and the spring rains.

My head is bowed. I make my act of contrition. I feel over my head, like a hood, a thrumming of grace, the peace and the love coming in through my forehead through these hands. Your sins are forgiven. Go in peace.

My heart dances like the bright Sunday sun in my memory of being five years old. I feel a weightlessness, a pureness, a wholeness. I sense joy down in my core, beaming out through me as though I am glowing. I smile at the priest and thank him, feeling like Scrooge on Christmas day. As I leave the confessional, my eyes smile and take in all the people still in line, wanting them to receive the warm rays of light. I sense that something has gone from me, and has left room for this whole and all-embracing joy-light, and that now I am ready to go out again, sparkling and made clean.